Thank you to my blog that holds all my thoughts, ideas & learning experiences. The blog that kept me occupied with maybe one of the hardest years I've had for myself... you saved me from my sanity by keeping me busy, by putting more love and time into something I saw bigger than & personally for myself. Without this blog I wouldn't have been able to come to realize all that has been hurting me & how to move past it..
I keep backspacing what i'd like to share without getting too personal. It's hard (hah!)... In fact, this will probably be the most personal content I will publish on here because it holds my deepest feelings. It is still unclear to me.. I don't exactly know how to put my thoughts into words that make sense & Honestly, I can't even think of a word to best describe this year..
2017 was a rough year. Honestly, I kind of lost myself as a person.. (i'm still discovering who that is) I needed the time to just focus on myself & what I want for myself. This isn't even half of what the year was like for me, let's just say it is one of my most bothered chapters of 2017. There was just so much drama & things I did not want to associate myself with.. You really get sensitive when your lifestyle changes drastically. You are not the person you once were but you learn to be more appreciative & sensitive to things..I know I have. I distanced myself from many & I don't regret it one bit. Because I wondered, what am I doing here? loving people more than I love myself. I wasn't living happy. It isn't like me because when I love, I love hard. I've always wanted acceptance & validation from people in my life. This year I learned, it's not always the mindset to have. I wanted that joy and gratifying feeling, when it is to help & be there for people buut I was driven to the point where I wished I had an attitude that was a little bit more careless..That I didn't take every opinion or negative comment said to me so sensitively. It pains me because that's not who I am or who I wanted to be. I hated that I was a nice & kind person that was turned cold, all because of the friendships that had taken me for granted, & made me bitter. I saw no happiness out of helping anymore but more hurt. Imagine being there for people with a full heart but come to find, they don't appreciate you or your friendship like you thought they did. Countless years, I sat there helping and cheering people on. But when I saw that people were moving forward & I was standing still was a very numb & sacrificing feeling. I needed help but where were they? communication just stopped. I slowly distanced myself from all the wrong people in my life at that specific moment. I sensed competition & favoritism, then I realized.. THIS IS NOT WORTH IT. I shouldn't have to beg or compete for support. A story goes both ways but I am no longer wasting my time with this anymore. I'm letting go..
This year I realized that others don't have the same heart as I do & that I was investing my time in all the wrong people. And so, I choose to only dedicate my true & genuine characteristics to those that I feel deserve it. I can no longer go years hoping that the void would be filled.
Peeeeeace 2017, RIP to the girl you once knew & thanks for all the lessons learned.